Dealing with Depression

I was at a stationery store recently when suddenly the smell of pencils and scented erasers suddenly brought back long lost memories from almost 4 decades ago. Mixed feelings of excitement and mostly fear engulfed me - my memories of my early years in school - having been a very timid, fearful, lonely child!

Just like even a faint smell can trigger deep-seated memories, when we revisit a particular state of mind, most memories corresponding to it surface and begin to dominate the mind.

“No way I can do it”, “I just don’t have the confidence”, “I feel so unworthy”, “This is beyond my abilities”… An otherwise confident and positive person is now gripped by fear and uncertainty. one can’t but believe these thoughts and we are mostly frozen by fear leading to inactivity. Reassurance from others is mostly met with passive resignation or a belief that the other person does not really understand.

This world is quite familiar for most of us. When we are low or depressed,  no happy thoughts/memories can come up. Even an otherwise neutral situation is seen in the most unpleasant light. Worse still, we identify with these thoughts and act upon them, displaying unreasonable emotional reactions to people/situations etc. These reactions leave behind a very unpleasant taste, perpetuating more guilt, regret, pain and anger…

Our thoughts and our reactions to them define the substance of our life. They have the ability to perpetuate a pattern of thinking, action, behaviour that eventually can create a physical reality – be it ill-health, poor outcome of an initiative/effort or extended periods of emptiness and frustration.

What can we do about these thoughts?

Be aware The first step is to become acutely aware of the contents of the mind. It appears a daunting task, considering we have around 60,000 thoughts a day! But many of them are repetitive, having a set pattern of emotions, reactions and behaviours to go with them that are easily recognizable.

Observe Choose to simply step back and observe – one complete thought – without pushing it away or getting attached to it. Simply observe. Objective awareness of the thought, just like objective awareness of the body and breath, can come from training and this is what we are trained to do through regular practice of asana, pranayama and meditation. Through this observation, we can stall actions or choose to act differently when we recognize that it is the state of mind that makes us think/act this way. Don’t take the mind too seriously.

Counter inertia In countering depression it is very important to have physical activity (which is very important for activating the quality of Rajas in the body). If the mind tells you “I can’t do it, I have no energy or motivation left, impossible”, it is so convenient to believe these thoughts and lay back in bed. But if we observe and listen to these thoughts with neutrality and do not believe them, we might leave a small window open for possibilities. Engage in some physical movement, maybe a short walk or tiding your room.

You don’t have to do everything given in the yoga practice sheet. Just start somewhere - with your favourite posture and do it dynamically a few times with breathing in and out strongly. At the end of a few movements, you will have the energy for the next posture, and then the next… take each step as it comes instead of imagining you have to do a 30 minute long practice! Practice anytime of the day, except just after a meal.

Simple movements coordinated with breathing in the home while doing chores or a few stretches before you get off bed are excellent inertia-breakers.

For the teacher/therapist: A few Do’s and Don’ts

Keep it short initially as the complaint often is of low energy and lack of motivation. Keep it dynamic and creative yet simple enough to remember and practise. Using active sounds – chanting in the place of exhalation to engage the mind. This enables better breathing. Sounds such as Ha and Ra activates the diaphragm and abdomen emptying heavy energy in the lower abdomen and facilitates inhalation. The vibrations of sound in the throat can activate the Udana vayu and uplift the person, improving morale and motivation. Chanting helps drown the chatter of the mind, thereby freeing one’s attention to focus on the present. Try Brhmana practice hold the breath after inhalation from 3-8 seconds progressively - this activates the mind and body. Choose opening postures where the heart centre (centre of the chest) is free to open and expand. Vary the practice from standing to lying to seated to kneeling, encouraging active physical movement from one position to the next in a harmonious manner. Visualization can help build energy, engage the mind in a very specific process to counter the auto-pilot negative thought process. Encourage physical exercise walking, gardening, swimming…

Avoid kapalabhati or forced breathing techniques because it may churn up the mind and the person may tip into a downward spiral. Avoid extended periods of stay in a posture as that gives the mind a space to return to negative thought patterns. Avoid seated meditation with eyes closed for the same reasons; especially for a beginner. Avoid too much advice, the mind has its own way to filter what it wants to hear.

There is a Sasnkrit saying - Yuddha Kale Sastraabhyaasam – meaning you  cannot train to use a weapon in the middle of a war. In this case, if we train our mind when in a neutral state, we will be armed to tackle a depressed state.

The Fear of Healing

“Just for a moment, close your eyes and visualize yourself fully healed, completely free from this nagging back pain.” I was asking a student who has been suffering from chronic back pain for many, many years. She has been trying all kinds of treatment and is a sincere practitioner of yoga. Yet, progress has been frustratingly slow. She closed her eyes… just a few seconds… and shuddered ! “What is the thought?” “No, I don't think I want that to happen” she surprised herself when she said that. “Here I am trying everything under the sun to heal my back but I am also scared of healing?”


The fear of illness is one thing. We can sometimes get paranoid about falling seriously sick – ourselves or our loved ones. It happened to me and stayed for quite a while after I lost my sister very suddenly. But what about the fear of healing? How much are we aware of this strong pattern that then does not allow the body to open up to any form of treatment or therapy because the body does not feel “safe” to heal?


The Pattern of illness 

It is true that illness, like everything else about ourself, can become a conditioning (Samskara). The longer we stay with it, the more deep rooted it becomes. And quite unconsciously and sometimes even consciously, we get so attached to this habit, of falling sick, being ill, wallowing in the pain, enjoying the attention and allowances people give us. Soon this becomes so “normal” that we forget what it is to be normal. As a child I remember we had a neighbour who suffered from arthritis. She would always sit in her verandah and get hold of anybody passing by and start complaining about her pain, and she will go on and on... I have never heard her talk about anything else. We then learnt to dodge her and quickly, quietly pass by without getting caught!

“If I am healed, it will mean I have to now live up to the expectations of my parents who have always pinned high hopes on me as a high achiever, until I fell sick. I don't think I want to be working so hard all the time, maybe that's why I am stuck with this pain for so long!”

I have been there and know exactly how addictive it can be! We begin to develop a whole lot of subsidiary patterns that hold the illness in place, make sure it gets more complicated to deal with. Even our relationships and our sense of self in relation to others, our work and the world at large gets substantially redefined.


Be aware when illness begins to re-shape your sense of self

For a long time I did not understand why I was getting reactive and irritated when people enquired after my health. Whether they said “you are not looking OK” or “you are looking just fine”, I would get equally irritated! What an interesting paradox? My sense of self was now struggling with 2 identities: “not looking OK”. “looking OK”. It is then I began to wonder what this is all about.

Though reactivity or defensiveness does not help healing or the relationship (we carry so much anger and bitterness because truly, the “other” can never fully understand what we are going through), when we recognize our resistance and defensiveness, we have hit the key to deeper healing.


Recognizing Resistance 

The key to deeper healing With yoga, especially working with chronic issues, beyond the techniques and tools we need to be aware of the deeper patterns that are unwholesome and unproductive. Resistance to change is often the first red flag. Everytime I get defensive and say “you have no idea what I am going through” or ”I don't want your sympathy”, I address that pattern which traps our energy, vitality and motivation to heal. This helps get past stagnation and regression. Thus begins the process of reclaiming wholeness.


Reclaiming Wholeness 

When I talk about healing, I am not referring to the conventional idea of getting rid of the symptoms of an illness. Healing is about moving towards wholeness. It is about delving deep to find the missing part – the fragmented part of myself – my ego. When I accept “feeling OK” and “not feeling OK” as two parts of the same self, and learn to embrace them, the division disappears, and wholeness is reclaimed. Then healing happens effortlessly with body and breath working in harmony.


The Harmonizing Tool 

Yoga offers simple tools using the body and breath to facilitate this inner journey. Wherein the mind directs the action and remains an active witness, the breath guides awareness to deeper and subtler parts of our body, the battle-field of our fragmented self. When prana (vital energy) is infused, harmony is restored and toxins flushed out. The body and breath can harness the most powerful and intelligent resource - the Prana, to heal through calming the inner conflict and recognizing this wholeness.


Most often it is Fear that causes the defenses to come up.

“Fear is a very complex business, as ancient as the hills, ancient as humankind, and it has a very extraordinary story to tell. But you must know the art of listening to it, and there is great beauty in that listening. There is only listening and the story does not exist.”

- J Krishnamurthy, From The Whole Movement of Life is Learning 

- Saras

Sounds of Silence

Sounds of silence

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1. Energy traps in the neck-throat region
2. The role of Udana Vayu
3. Study the pattern
4. Techniques to reclaim the Udana Vayu
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“I don’t understand how I get these rashes only around my throat. This has been extremely bothersome and embarrassing. How to get rid of it?” 

“There is constant persistent cough, can’t speak more than a sentence without being interrupted by the cough” 


How much of what we think and feel is actually communicated and how much is left unsaid, unexpressed or even unacknowledged to ourselves? With so many real and imagined barriers to self-expression, the neck and throat have become the seats for many illnesses and imbalances. Thus, the prana – specifically the Udana Vayu – gets trapped. 

When was the last time you felt a strong emotion of pain, anger, fear and held it not knowing how to get past it, not having the courage to face it, feared the consequences of expressing it to the person concerned? The next time you feel it, try to see how it is precipitating in the body, how it is playing itself out in your system. Anything from persistent cough to allergies to stiffness and pain, hormonal imbalances… 

The site of the symptom is a vital piece of information, are you listening?

The Udana Vayu that has its seat in the throat is the uplifting energy. 
To hold the head high in confidence and courage requires the Udana Vayu to be strong, we can then express ourselves with clarity and conviction. Yoga Sutra talks about mastery of the Udana Vayu in the 3rd chapter (Yoga Sutra III.39), indicating that it can confer lightness of body so that we can walk on water, quick sand and thorns and actually levitate! Well, if not levitate the least we would desire is clarity of thought and expression. Free of imagined consequences of our actions. 

Of course, it might not be prudent to always speak our mind. So there is constant conflict, what to say, how much to say and what not to say… The throat becomes the battlefield, trapping and depleting the Udana Vayu. Stooping shoulders, stiff neck, tightness in the chest with shallow upper-chest breathing - clearly the Udana is affected.

So whenever you experience a conflict in communication, observe the sensations in the throat. Most often these are well rehearsed plots, conditioned responses/reactions that are on auto-pilot. That is why the body has now taken over the job of indicating something is wrong – through physical symptoms and imbalances. 
Here’s what you can try: 

Study the pattern


Choose just one relationship in your life that is significant for you and observe next time what you are saying and not saying. Usually what is unconsciously (or consciously) withheld is some aspect of our feelings that we do not identify with our sense of self. For example, I may be feeling very angry and hurt by the way somebody is talking to me or treating me but I may not acknowledge or express it (even to myself) because I believe it is “not OK” to feel it. It is not what I would expect out of myself. The ego has created its own trap, and the prana is stuck! 

The next time this happens, observe your sensation in the body, specifically around your neck and throat.

Hold your attention there and just for yourself, acknowledge and accept your feeling, validate it for what it is. 

Observe the various ways and methods that you cover it up, deny, deflect or suppress it, these are often conditioned reactions or responses. 

Where is this coming from? 

Usually most of this comes from fear, when you get in touch with the seed of fear, enter it, breathe into it and slowly release it. 

It is certainly not easy as sometimes this whole process of acknowledging and staying with the seed of pain is intolerable. But having said that, the process of undoing the knots is itself quite simple and straightforward. 

Techniques to the rescue 
Your daily asana, pranayama, chanting practice can be great avenues for unlocking and releasing the Udana Vayu.

Ujjayi
Making a gentle restriction in the throat that creates a soft hissing sound as you inhale and exhale. Even if you just worked with extending your breath, making it longer and longer, there is a natural restriction created at your throat that can then guide your mind to stay focused. Note: Ujjayi has to be soft and subtle, just for you to hear and be guided. 

Try breathing in from the front of the throat and breathing out through the back of your throat, touching deeper and subtler parts of the throat passage. 

When the sound is subtle, the control over the breath is better. 

It also means your mind has to be so quiet to listen to the breath, so naturally we come into the present moment, releasing ourselves from past and future. 

As we extend the inhalation and exhalation, we are able to work through the blocks in a very gentle manner and release the prana. 

Gentle neck movements – extension, flexion and axial twisting movements along with arm/body movements will allow for better opening and release. 

Sitali pranayama (inhaling through tongue curled up on the sides to form a tube, raising the head simultaneously and breathing out through nostrils lowering the head) is a beautiful technique that can help us release so much of tension in the throat and neck region. 

Jalamdhara Bandha – the chin lock position helps to lift the spine up, open up the chest for better breathing and also the restriction at the throat combined with ujjayi breathing in suitable postures and pranayama can intensify the process of burning through the blocks and releasing the prana. 

Chanting as a form of release is a wonderful idea. By this, we are able to transmute all that we have not been able to say/share into something sacred, powerful and liberating. 

This of course, is not the complete list of techniques but only an indication of direction. Even if we do not experience any apparent problems in the neck and throat, we could still benefit from seeing how to deal with conflicts arising from communication and clear it out through everyday practice so that we are not creating more traps for the prana. 

One of the meanings of the word yoga is “Yukti” - intelligent, creative, resourceful application. It is not so much the tool or technique but how and for what purpose we deploy it that matters. The above techniques, when used consciously and in an intelligent manner, can clear the bottlenecks in our daily life effortlessly. 

Just like the farmer clears the weeds and breaks the dam so that water can flow into the fields (Yoga Sutra 4.3), the technique simply opens up the knots and releases the prana that can then lift us up, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually! 

Don't let your throat tighten with fear.
Take sips of breath all day and night,
before death closes your mouth.
- Rumi

Reclaim your Prana

If you want the truth, step out of the mind. By learning to listen to the body and breath, find the true key to healing…

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1. A familiar story of life - challenges in healing.
2. Why am I experiencing this stuck-ness?
3. What has trapped my Prana?
4. How to reclaim the Prana?
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“For 20 years I have held this pain and anger! My health has deteriorated so much. I cannot and will not forgive them for what they have done to me…” I could sense her pain and anger. She blamed her husband and mother-in-law for all her miseries -arthritis, bronchitis, migraine, acidity and obesity. She was feeling quite depressed and hopeless, having tried many doctors and systems of medicine to no avail. She had now come to me hoping against hope.

A brief pause ensued and I gently nudged her to try and bring her mind to the present. “Bring your attention to your body, observe what is happening. Maybe the mind does not want to let go … Yes, it is very difficult to break away from painful memories. Allow your breath to gently detach your mind from everything else and come back to your body. What are you feeling in your body?” She replied, “A lot of pain in the ankles, my knees are burning, breath is disturbed, feeling a lot of constriction in the upper chest- now rising up my throat to my lower jaws, getting a headache…” Slowly she began connecting with each part, noticing and labeling each sensation for what it is.

I placed a cushion under her aching feet and asked her to gently breathe down into her ankles, chanting mentally with each breath as I chanted aloud. After a few minutes, she reported the pain in her ankles came down from 8 to 4 on a scale of10. The experience of pain relief fascinated her and her mind was immediately less agitated. 

A little taste of what yoga can offer for you, my dear friend!

Over two decades now, I have experienced the power of yoga as a tool for healing and spiritual growth. I am convinced that it has the power to address all the problems of human existence and offer solutions in some form or the other.

The challenge in yoga is staying on the path – we all agree that it is not easy. There are many distractions, old memories and habit patterns, non-conducive environments, health and relationship issues… There is always something that comes up and slackens our motivation, induces doubt, dissipates energy, blurs the memory and direction, making the path more arduous and the pace so slow that we feel stagnant or on a downward spiral!

Sraddha Virya Smrti Samadhiprajna Purvaka Itaresam YS 1.20

Sutra 1.20 talks about the strength of inner conviction, the will required to pursue the path (Sraddha), that gives energy and courage to deal with challenges (virya), refines the memory of the goal (memory) leading to higher levels of wisdom and clarity (samadhi prajna).

Sraddha taps and awakens the dormant and stuck prana (the vital energy) within the system and directs it. But sometimes, even though we have the conviction, it does not translate into appropriate action, the energy is lacking. This is when we experience slackening, weakness and dissipation.

Why am I experiencing this stuck-ness?

Just to offer a perspective, let us look at what creates and mediates change at all levels - within and without. We call this the life giving force – Prana – that is constantly regenerated. Every moment it expresses itself through the breath and all the functions and activities of the living being. Even a single thought cannot pop out of your mind without the will of the Prana. Every living moment, Prana flows through all the layers and levels of our existence, creating change, growth and evolution. We are being constantly re-created by this energy,

“I will not forgive”, “I feel so guilty”, “I strongly resent…” the stories we are stuck with, a complex web of memories, thought and emotional habit patterns constantly trap the vital Prana, making it unavailable for even basic bodily functions. It renders the mind dull and disturbed, compromising all its faculties like memory, creativity, clarity and focus. The source of stress-induced illnesses!

The healing process in yoga works on the premise of disengaging and releasing the Prana that is trapped in the body-mind complex. When the blocks are removed, the Prana is released. Especially in illness, unless we reclaim our trapped Prana, it is difficult to find the strength to pursue practices that can help healing. Visiting a yoga therapist, receiving a practice and all the magic it can work depends on continuous practice and constant motivation. This is where, as a therapist, I have felt the need to focus. In order to achieve deeper healing, we have to identify these energy traps very unique and specific for us.

Here is a simple experiment, I am trying on myself. Perhaps you would like to try it too? Ask yourself:

What has trapped my prana?

Wherever I am now, with my current sate of health and life situation, I want to understand what has trapped my vital energy.

1. The first step is to identify it by deepening self-awareness

Patanjali offers a very straightforward direction[1]. Any strong emotional pain, negative/depressive thoughts, physical discomfort and disturbed breathing. With awareness (that of course comes with regular practice of asana, pranayama & meditation), we will be able to identify situations when the Prana is trapped. Strong body sensations indicate the blocks – could be pain, burning sensations, discomfort, stiffness, weakness, heaviness etc. Breath being the primary expression of Prana, it is invariably disturbed on these occasions.

2. When we notice such a disturbance, the next step is to locate the deeper cause. I have listed below some broad areas of energy traps/drains.

• Illness (of self or loved ones)
• Relationship issues
• Anxieties about future (health, finances, children, work etc.)
• Painful memories
• Well-rehearsed thought/emotional patterns: 
  “I am….,” 
  “I feel….” (What are your specific drama lines?)

This is not an exhaustive list, just broad indicators. You may find more to add from your life.

3. Pertaining to each of the relevant areas, please write down the specific patterns of feeling/thought/behaviour/ belief that you are most familiar with. (Usually these emerge during the conversation we have with the student during the first consultation itself).

4. As you read each statement you have written, you will be able to observe sensations in your body and changes in your breathing. Observe the intensity of the sensation. Now you have located some of these traps.

How to reclaim the Prana?

There are numerous methods. A very simple one to start with, is Asana. Often, a strong body sensation indicates a powerful knot that has the Prana trapped in it. When we direct our mind and breath into that part, and through conscious breathing and intelligent movements, release the blocks, there is tremendous amount of energy release that you can even feel at the physical level!

Patanjali refers to this process for achieving sthiram (stability) and sukham (ease) of body. Through conscious effort, we locate and systematically release the knots in the body that eventually fall away as resistance gives way.

Prayatna Saithilya Ananta Samapattibhyam YS 2.47

So you see, there is more to asana than meets the eye. 
Krishnamacharya defines yoga as, “Asastra Sastra Cikitsa” – or surgery without instruments. The skill of a good yoga therapist lies in what tools he/she uses and how. Intelligent application is the key. Not a blind shot, but a well-conceived, targeted, intelligent and purposeful solution.

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[1] YS 1.31: Duhkha Daurmanasya Angamejayatva Svasaprasvasah Viksepa Sahabhuvah - The symptoms that accompany a disturbed mind.