Have you ever encountered that moment when an attachment begins to transform into aversion? And do you know potentially, this could be a moment of awakening? Before you slip into another illusion?
It is not uncommon for us to experience the feeling of hurt, let down by the very people on whom we had pinned high hopes, we had so much trust and were emotionally invested in.
When did the transition happen?
That moment, when was it? When did you recognize the nature of the relationship change? From attachment (Raga) to aversion (Dvesa)? The boundaries are quite blurred of course, desire and hate can co-exist, but only one comes up in a given moment, if you noticed carefully.
The symptoms
First, it was the pain, the attachment, expectations and of course, irrational assumptions. When the reality shows something different, the dis-illusionment came - as a sharp gnawing pain deep inside the heart, coursing into the upper chest and throat, tightening and restricting the breath.. Negative thoughts, judgments, anxiety, hopelessness, despair and anger, a whole range of emotions - the face of Dvesa - the division and the opposition, me against the other.
The compulsive desire to run away, withdrawing into a dark hole, the numbness and sometimes sudden spurts of seething anger. What we held so close to the heart was no more important, it has even become toxic!
What can we do now?
It takes patience and courage to investigate and understand and may take time and diligent practice. We need to ask ourselves if we are willing to enter this process of transformation.
The breath is stuck, somewhere between the chest and throat, as if held down by a huge boulder pressing through the rib cage.
Look carefully, listen, as if waiting for the last breath of a dying person...
Staring into the face of rejection, dark and frowning...
Now the heat is turned on and burning through the throat and skin, wanting to turn and run away
Streams of angry thoughts, of retaliation, the “I don't deserve this” stories...
No wait, listen...
Why drop one burden to pick up a bigger one?
In this very moment, there is scope for transformation, for freedom from the very thing we have been holding on to for so long...
Not just what we are attached or (now) averse to...
But that part of our identity that is being knocked around
that perception of people that was comfortable for us to hold on to
that pain of feeling let down
that need to belong and feel important
that belief that these people will always be there for us
that fear of being left alone...
of losing faith...
And who will we be without all this?
A little part of us - that was attached, fed by 1bpleasure - is dead but before we replace it with the opposite feeling of aversion, let us pause...
Can we be free from this?
Is it possible for the mind to experience the freedom of choice, not to create another pattern?
Can we simply observe the game the ego indulges in, again and again? Transmuting from Raga to Dvesa, constantly motivated by the need for self-preservation?
Can we look deeply and understand the wisdom beneath this eternal drama?
It might seem impossible in the beginning to stay with the pain, the primary feeling of hurt. It is important to honour it
by observing it, withdraw the mind from its compulsive and convoluted thinking processes.
Again and again and again, breath by breath, drop all judgements, all arguments, all accusations, ALL thoughts.
When the mind clears a bit, we could perhaps look at both these faces more clearly
When we learn to embrace both aspects of our being, the loving and the wrathful faces, perhaps something can shift...
Perhaps we can transcend this cycle...
Just by stepping back and observing, only THAT.
Upeksa... equanimity. The strength of Upeksa can break down the shackles of illusion and free the mind to explore deeper territories of hidden treasures.
Explore for yourself!
Equanimity just looks on and observes, while calmly settled in composed neutrality. It is manifested as the quieting of both resentment and approval.
- Gautama Buddha
Best wishes,
Saras
Saras
