How do I manage my anger? A question many have asked. Anger is a very basic and primal human emotion. When not expressed, managed properly, it can have a devastating impact on ourselves as well as others. Anger is not always a negative emotion, there are powerful positive outcomes when we express our anger appropriately - in a way that supports dharma.
While it is important not to control or repress anger, it is equally important to ensure that we take complete responsibility for our actions coming through anger. Whatever be the expression - slamming doors, withdrawing into silence, shouting at the top of our voice, speaking hurtfully... they are all acts of violence. Let us learn to take responsibility for it and not blame the other ("you made me angry") for our actions.
Heyam: What do I want to avoid?
This is the first step inyoga: the recognition that I am the source of the problem and therefore only I can do something about it. Identifying what is that I want to get rid of? In this case, my expression of anger that hurts me and others and leaves behind many negative repercussions.
There are many strategies for immediate and temporary pacification - drink water, take I 0 take deep breaths, count to ten. go for a walk etc. But it is important to understand the roots of anger so that we can have better control over it and give the emotion its rightful place in our daily life.
What triggers my anger?
The second step is to investigate the trigger points. Be conscious of what makes us angry. Make a note of situations in the recent past that made you feel angry.
It is easier to start with this as we are tuned to external triggers and feel very comfortable blaming outside factors.
What are my thoughts, words and action in this reactive state?
Something like: I feel like punching you hard, I want to say something really nasty to make you hug. I hit my head against the wall... How intense is it - on a scale of Ito 10?
What is happening to my body, my breath?
This is not something we are aware of most of the time because we are quite disconnected from the body. But the breath and the body provide powerful insight into the intensity of the emotion. Observing your breath and body sensations is a good way to create some space before we get into the super-conditioned reactive mode.
It has helped me to just observe what is happening within me, in terms of sensations - tightness in jaws, burning sensation in my throat or abdomen, buzzing in the forehead, tears in my eyes... just observe for a few minutes before you say or do anything.
Breath observation helps to anchor yourself to the body sensations and stay with it, opening out possibilities for moving out of our conditioned pathways.
Hetu: where is this anger coming from?
Your mind will go back conveniently to the external trigger, naturally. Drop it. Come back into yourself and ask yourself again, what makes me feel this anger?
Wait in silence, breathe and observe sensations, wait patiently till the answer comes. You might have to ask several times... You will sometimes be surprised how far back in life this question takes you.
At some point, we might reach the seed of fear. Ask: what is my fear? Because most often anger arises from a strong sense of fear, insecurity. You will get in touch with that.
Once we have understood that the source is from within and has little to do with the current situation/person, there is more clarity.
Hanam: Where do I want to get to?
Recognise the impact of the anger (especially if it is a chronic issue) on your body and breath. Even if you are able to break the habitual reactive tendencies once, you will see that it leaves you with clarity and better control, you realise you are able to deal with this emotion intelligently. You are able to see the emotion and its experience from a space of strength and clarity.
Upayam: What are my tools?
Patanjali offers very many tools through the Yoga Sutra to tide over emotional upheavals that can temporarily cloud the mind. I have personally found breathing with focus on exhalation very effective. Once the mind is calm, it is capable of reflective actions, moving away from the reactive mode.
You may choose to release the thoughts through your everyday asana and pranayama practice. Simple, long deep exhalation can help release and minimise the intensity of the sensations in the body. Now the emotion is really flowing and clearing. Check the intensity after a few minutes of conscious breathing.
I have found that regular practice of asana and pranayama helps reduce reactivity, your threshold goes up! Sometimes you may still have to express anger in a powerful manner - but within you can be very calm, check your pulse rate.
Until you have really understood your anger, taken responsibility for it and done some level of clearing and reached a calmer state of mind, DO NOT ACT. A few minutes of delayed reaction will actually help the earth become a better place to live in!
And, again, from Thich Nhat Hanh:
Just by breathing deeply on your anger, you will calm it. You are being mindful of your anger, not suppressing it... touching it with the energy of mindfulness. You are not denying it at all. When I speak about this to psychotherapists, I have some difficulty. When I say that anger makes us suffer, they take it to mean that anger is something negative to be removed But I always say that anger is an organic thing like love. Anger can become love. Our compost can become a rose. If we know how to take care of our compost... Anger is the same. It can be negative when we do not know how to handle it, but ifwe know how to handle our anger, it can be very positive. We do not need to throw anything away."
Love, Saras
